On a more serious note for today's post. My mom gave me a book when we found out we were expecting, "Birthed in Prayer...Pregnancy as a Spiritual Journey." It has been up in the closet since early May, and I thought it would be appropriate to get it out and start reading. I have been really impressed with this book (and highly recommend to those that are pregnant)!
As many of you know, I have been a bit neurotic during this pregnancy (hard to believe I know). I have worried with every little twitch, pain, uncomfortable feeling.... I worry daily that peanut isn't going to survive the full 40 weeks ... worry Peanut's heart will just mysteriously stop beating (without warning) ... worry that I am not eating enough of "healthy veggies" (because they still create in me a huge gag reflex).... and the list goes on and on...
Last Friday afternoon I was reading the chapter "Releasing the Way Things Were," and I stumbled upon a truth that really struck a raw bone in my body. They were speaking of Mary (the mother of Jesus) and how radical her pregnancy must have seemed. Mary responded to each unexpected challenge with dignity and faith. She knew her life was serving a great purpose for God, and she was willing to give 100% of herself to that purpose. The angel of the Lord appeared to her and said, "Greetings, you who are highly favored! The Lord is with you."
In the midst of all my constant worry, I forget that "The Lord is with me and entrusts me to carry this child." I also now hear, "Do not be afraid Allyson, you have found favor with God." The authors of the book asked this penetrating question, "Are you able to accept that God's purpose for you at this moment in time is the present reality of your pregnancy?" I had a huge epiphany -- God has me in this "present reality" to carry this child and I need to be a willing servant. I can not worry about what the ultrasound will bring, what 26 weeks will bring, nor what the delivery will bring. I must focus on my "present reality" and that I must take each day God gives me to carry this child as a blessing from Him. If I want to be a faithful servant, obedience is what He commands of me. I must surrender my lack of control and desire for a "guaranteed" healthy baby to Him with a heart that speaks, "I am the Lord's servant. May it be to me as you have said..."
In a nutshell, those are some truths that I am still processing through. It is hard for me to think of each day, when I am always focused on the "big Homecoming event" in December. I have realized that so much is beyond my control. My fear becomes a problem when it is "based on what COULD happen rather that what is happening." I am learning that fear is "inevitable, but my reponse to it is not." So with God's grace and mercy, I will continue to allow this pregnancy to reveal more of who He is and to deepen my relationship with my Savior.
PS> I think I felt Peanut kick for the first time tonight. Hope that was it b/c it was a great (and comforting) feeling!
PSS> Stay tuned for side view photos. I know we have missed the three and four month milestone, but we will hopefully get a picture up for 4.5 months!
Allyson and Peanut(s)
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